Girl (In Real Life) Read online

  The next morning, while I was having breakfast, Dad was busy in the office. Mum went upstairs to have a shower and left her laptop open on the kitchen table. I could see a folder right there on her desktop with the newspaper’s name on it. I genuinely only meant to have a quick look – I’d heard Dad reading the draft article aloud anyway, so it wasn’t technically snooping. But when I opened the file, it must have been a different version. The final version. Because it was worse.

  What to do when your miracle baby turns into an eye-rolling, headphone-wearing, grade-dropping, app-obsessed teen.

  Grade-dropping? They’d written about my physics test? A cold feeling washed over me, like plunging into the North Sea. My eyes scanned the rest of the page.

  Our darling Eva now has the attention span of a two-year-old…physically incapable of putting her clothes in the laundry basket…eyes rolling so high they could ricochet off the ceiling…and of course, her new favourite word, “boring”…

  I slammed the laptop closed, grabbed my school bag and headed out without saying goodbye. Apart from the grade-dropping, which was technically true, the whole thing was made-up! But worse than that – it was mean. Anger surged through my veins like electricity.

  In English, Miss West was going on about Elizabethan times. She said being angry was called having an excess of yellow bile. According to her, they’d put leeches on your skin to suck it out. That day, I felt so angry I’d need a whole tank of them.

  After school, me and Spud were doing our science experiment. He messaged saying:

  Wear a boiler suit.

  Like I had one of those in my wardrobe. I walked through his gate and down the little alleyway by the side of his house. He was wearing a navy boiler suit, an army helmet and holding what looked like a police riot shield.

  “Spud, I thought you said this experiment wasn’t dangerous!” I said, putting the box of equipment down on the grass. “Where did you even get that?”

  “Chip made it.” He put the shield down and opened the box. “Did you bring the camera?” I pulled it out of my rucksack. “Good, because I’ve decided our initial hypothesis wasn’t ambitious enough.” He shook a giant jar of iron filings and grinned. “Go big or go home, right?”

  “You are at home.”

  He handed me some gardening gloves and a pair of safety goggles. “Trust me, Eva. Ours is going to be the best experiment Hope Park has ever seen.”

  “That makes me feel extremely worried for my safety,” I said. But deep down I hoped he was right. Getting a good grade for this project would prove my parents’ stupid article wrong. I watched Spud drag a super-strength magnet onto the grass then roll a barrel of something out of his garage. It had a hazard sign on it, like the one on the science technicians’ cupboard. This experiment would be completely awesome. Or it would actually kill us. And possibly our entire street.

  An hour later, pretty much all of the grass in Spud’s back garden had turned black. We had an amazing video, but we were both completely covered in ferrofluid. Spud had forgotten about the idea of “going big” and instead was now worrying about whether he’d be able to bleach ferrofluid off the grass. My face ached from laughing. I pulled off my gloves and took a selfie of us looking like we’d been inked by a giant squid. I uploaded it to my Instagram with the hashtags #scienceprojectgoals #isurvivedaspudexperiment.

  Immediately a comment flashed up from Jenna saying, AMAZING!!!

  I smiled, inspecting a patch of my hair at the front that had turned black. Maybe Spud would lend me his bleach.

  “Don’t tell me physics isn’t fun, Eva!” Spud shouted as I walked home.

  I had to admit he had a point. Although he probably wouldn’t be alive very long after his parents saw the garden. As I walked through the door, Mum picked up the camera and pointed it at me.

  “Oh my goodness, Eva!” she said, laughing. “Want to explain to everyone what you’ve been doing?”

  I really wanted to say no, and go straight to my room. But something made me change my mind. Maybe it was the words eye-rolling, headphone-wearing, grade-dropping, app-obsessed teen. I looked right into the lens and explained how ferromagnetic fluid is a liquid that becomes strongly magnetized in the presence of a magnetic field, and the hypothesis we’d just proved with our experiment. Word perfect.

  “Wow! Sounds great, sweetie!” Mum said, beaming.

  I shrugged. “Not bad for a grade-dropping, app-obsessed teen, I guess.”

  Mum stared at me; her finger tapped the button to stop recording. “You read the article,” she said softly, and put the camera down. “I’m sorry, Eva. The newspaper wanted a light-hearted take on parenting. I was going to show it to you. It’s obviously not what we really think.”

  I picked at a piece of ferrofluid in my nail so I didn’t have to look at her.

  “Sweetie, I’m sorry. The column is just a fun read for parents. It’s not based on the truth!” She kissed the small part of my face that wasn’t covered in black gunk. “You’re so wonderful that we have to make up all the bad stuff! See? But, oh my goodness! We cannot film the half a million subs video with you looking like that!” Her bracelets jangled as she started the camera again. “No offence, sweetie. But you kind of stink! This scientist needs to…take a bath. You know I have the most beauuuuutiful bath bombs from Living Real…”

  I looked straight into the lens, thinking, Should I tell her what I really think about her stupid article and her stupid channel and her stupid beauuuuutiful bath bombs?

  Mum said how proud she was about the effort I’d put into my science project. And I guess she found the tiny gap in my heart that still didn’t want to disappoint her. Because I just said, “Thanks,” and let her film us dropping rose petal bombs into my bath.

  Later, I was on the sofa, squashed between Mum and Dad, listening to them say, “Oh my God!” and “HALF A MILLION SUBSCRIBERS!!” about 0.5 million times. They let off confetti bombs, thanked their sponsors and the For-Evas and announced their “EPIC GIVEAWAY!!”

  By the time Dad said, “That’s a wrap!” my ears were ringing. I tried my best to look happy and excited. To sound like I wasn’t remembering lines from the script they’d written. But I couldn’t help thinking about the stuff Dad had said before we started filming. About “rapid growth” and “channel collaborations” and “publicity explosion”. If all that stuff happened, and they started making all this extra money, there was no chance they’d ever stop. If I didn’t do anything, they’d be filming me for the rest of my life. That’s why I needed the shark video to work. And put an end to this entire thing.

  To celebrate making the fake 0.5 million subscriber video, we went to Inner Peas, this vegan restaurant in town.

  The waiter said, “You’re tall!” to my dad as soon as we walked in.

  Everyone (except me) laughed when he said, “No, I’m Lars!”

  When we got our food Mum dropped a bombshell. “Your dad and I thought it might be nice if Carys comes to ours tomorrow night instead of you staying there.”

  “What?” I said, trying to stop my aubergine burger from sliding out of my bun. “Why?”

  “We haven’t met her yet, sweetie. And we feel a little uncomfortable about you staying over before we’ve got to know her. We thought it would be nice for her to sleep over with us instead. If her parents are okay with it.”

  “Fine,” I said, typing out a message to Carys. My parents put my whole life on the internet for strangers to see, but they wouldn’t let me stay over at a friend’s house a few streets away.

  “Oh, and get her to ask them if it’s okay to film while she’s here,” Mum said, breaking a potato wedge in half.

  “No!” I shouted, forgetting where we were. The people on the next table looked over at me. But I didn’t care. The thought of Carys seeing my parents in filming mode was so embarrassing I actually shuddered. “I mean, you can’t film Carys. She won’t like it.”

  Dad wiped his hands and said, “Can’t hurt to ask, Eva.” He
picked up the camera and switched into his jokey filming voice. “So, we’ve just found out about a fitness vlogger who makes these amazing workout videos. We thought it would be fun to try one out this weekend.” People in the restaurant were looking over at us. Why did Dad have to bring the big camera?

  “It’s 1980s themed,” Mum explained, “which ties in perfectly with the diary extracts I read to you all the other day.”

  So that was it, I realized. That was the reason they wanted Carys to stay at ours. For this stupid workout thing. I squashed a potato wedge into my plate with my fork and sighed.

  “And it won’t be long now!” Dad said, grinning. “We’re at four hundred and seventy-two thousand subscribers! And boy, do we have something special planned for when we hit half a million.”

  “We have the most incredible video to show you all soon,” Mum said. “Our family journey: from zero to half a million subs! Starting with the day we found out Eva existed! We are so excited!” She leaned over and gently squashed my nose with her finger. “What do you think, sweetie? Excited?”

  I dropped my fork so it clattered. “I need the toilet.”

  Four hundred and seventy-two thousand subscribers already? I thought as I walked down the steps to the toilets. They could hit 0.5 million any day now! Maybe even this weekend. Then they’d roll out the over-the-top publicity they had planned, and dig out all the old videos. And my life would get half-a-million times worse. I waited in a cubicle until a woman had finished washing her hands, then I called Carys.

  “You know the German homework that we were planning on doing tomorrow?” I said. “Think we could get it done tonight?”

  “You mean the one about the ocean?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “It’s kind of urgent for tonight. What do you think?”

  Carys went quiet for a moment. I heard the sound of her laptop booting up. “I’m on it.”

  I stayed up late that night refreshing the All About Eva page, waiting for the video to appear. We didn’t want my parents seeing it until tomorrow – that way it should at least get some views and shares before they realized and took it down. But I must have fallen asleep, because the next morning I woke up with my phone stuck to my face and Mum screaming.

  I bolted upright and peeled my phone off my cheek. I tapped in the All About Eva page. There it was. New Channel Trailer!!! The thumbnail was a great white shark with me in its jaws. I put my headphones on and tapped play. It looked even better than when we made it on Wednesday. Carys had added music and graphics, and there was a new bit where a tiger shark severed someone’s leg. It was definitely not “on-brand”. In fact, it was like a horror movie.

  I messaged Carys: Homework’s perfect.

  Carys had scheduled the post for two a.m. like we’d agreed. She’d also set a new password on their account, so my parents couldn’t even log in to delete it. So far it had: 58k views, 1.5k thumbs up, 9k thumbs down, 238 comments. I scrolled down.

  QueenSass: I don’t understand the link to parenting.

  TryHarderO: Are the Andersens okay???

  XxxLisaMitchxxX: this is terrible

  KerLeyFries: SICK

  YurtGroupy: Not your content!!!!

  GaryDude: this is why I only swim in pools.

  I bit the insides of my cheeks as I went downstairs to stop myself from laughing.

  “I don’t understand!” Mum cried. “Who would even make something like this?”

  Dad was in the office speaking to Ash, their IT person, on speakerphone. “There must be some kind of security breach,” Dad said. “I cannot understand how someone can get unrestricted access to upload new content. Can you get in?”

  “Sorry you’re hearing all this, sweetheart,” Mum said, pulling at the knots in my hair as she scraped it into a ponytail. I automatically shrugged her off. “It’s a nightmare.”

  “What’s happened?” I asked. My face ached as I tried to look serious and innocent at the same time. “Is it your Instagram?”

  “No,” Mum said, putting her phone on the table. “It’s…you know what? Don’t even look. It’s so horrible. Get yourself some breakfast, okay?” She kissed me on the head and walked back to the office.

  “Let me know if I can help!” I called after her. I was becoming a bit of an expert at deception. I was kind of proud of myself.

  Mum’s phone beeped and a message flashed up from Uncle Gareth:

  Had a rebrand?

  I laughed then quickly turned it into a cough as Mum turned round. It’s exhausting being a hacker. You have to be on guard the whole time.

  “Hey, sweetie. We’re going to be a little while sorting this out,” Mum said. “You okay making your own lunch today?”

  “Yeah,” I called back.

  Dad’s face poked out from the office door. “And don’t forget your Danish books for Languages Club.”

  I was halfway down the drive, talking to Spud, when Mum came out. “Hey, your Danish books.” I must have left them on the table.

  “Thanks.” I didn’t say anything else in case it sounded suspicious.

  “I won’t tell Dad you forgot, okay.” She winked and kissed me on the forehead. “Love you.”

  And that was the moment. If I was going to stop messing with their channel, that was it. Right then, as I felt Mum’s kiss through my fringe. Her eyes were kind of blotchy, so she must have been crying. And I suddenly felt bad about what I’d done. But it’s weird how easy it is to ignore bad feelings like that. I knew Mum cared about me. Just not enough to stop the channel. Her being upset now was nothing compared to the humiliation I’d had for years.

  So I hugged her, said, “Love you too,” and ignored the weird feeling in my heart when I couldn’t quite meet her eyes. And whatever my heart was trying to tell me, the thing I could feel it shouting at me from inside my chest, got missed.

  That day, my parents filmed a special vlog explaining what happened with the shark video. A technical glitch, was the story they were going with. They uploaded the wrong video. Dad had made the shark one as a prank on Mum. But after school, Mum told me her real theory about it.

  “Family vlogging is competitive, Eva. I’m telling you, that woman has it in for us.”

  “So,” I said, “your prime suspect for uploading a shark attack video is a vlogger called LittleMummaBear?”

  Dad didn’t look convinced. “It was probably some bored teenager on the other side of the planet! Cyber attacks are how they get their kicks these days! ”

  I went upstairs and deliberately took ages changing out of my uniform. Then I waited by the front door for Carys, trying my best not to look like I was the kind of teenager who got any kicks from cyber attacks.

  “Hi, Carys!” Mum said as I opened the door. “Come in, make yourself at home!”

  “Thanks,” Carys said, taking off her coat. Her hair had been blown about by the wind. Mum was probably itching to straighten it out. But she smoothed down mine instead.

  We went into the snug to watch TV and Miss Fizzy curled up in between us. My stomach had a weird plunging feeling. Like just before you have to go onstage. I didn’t feel guilty exactly. My parents had posted videos of me looking like an idiot my whole life, so I didn’t feel that bad for getting my own back. But I was worried I might accidentally give something away. When secrets can’t come out of your mouth, they kind of stay just under your skin. Mine wasn’t visible to anyone, but it felt itchier than chickenpox to me.

  Mum stuck her head round the door. “Want to come and help with dinner, you two? Dad’s making indbagte gulerødder.”

  “It’s baked carrots,” I said to Carys. “Only slightly less disgusting than it sounds.”

  “Hey!” Mum said, gently chucking a cushion at me. “It’s delicious! It’s an old family recipe. It was the first meal your dad ever cooked for me.”

  “And you still married him?” I said.

  “Well, it’s a good job I did, right?” Mum took out her phone and held it in front of her face. My heart sank as she
started talking into it. “So, Eva has just asked me about the first meal Lars ever cooked for me!” Carys nudged me, but I was too busy dying of embarrassment to look at her. “It was actually really romantic.” She sat on the arm of the sofa so I knew this would probably take ages. “As you know, we met at university in Copenhagen. We were both students back then and Lars still lived with his mum, which was super cute…”

  I tried to signal to her to stop. But she waved at me the same way she shoos Miss Fizzy away from the plant pots. We couldn’t leave the room without walking past the camera. We were trapped. Like hostages. There was nothing to do except wait for her to finish. And pray the floor would open up and swallow me.

  “Eva’s squirming in the background,” Mum said, laughing. “If Lars hadn’t been such a good cook maybe I wouldn’t have married him. And what then, hey?”

  “You would never have got All About Eva?” I said.

  “Ha!” Mum said. “Got you, you mean, silly.”

  “Same difference,” I said, but she acted like she didn’t hear me. They’d edit it out later.

  “I mean, it’s a good job Lars can cook, because he certainly can’t dance, right, Eva?” Mum laughed as if I was agreeing with her. She started telling everyone about their wedding dance, when Dad trampled on one of her feet and then the other one. I’d only heard that story ten thousand times.

  Mum put her phone down, trying to hide how annoyed she was with me because Carys was there. “Okay!” she said, smiling. “Now you’re definitely on kitchen duty.”

  Carys chopped the salad while I stirred a black-bean sauce that reminded me of ferromagnetic fluid. I watched thick bubbles rise and burst as I strained my ears to hear what Dad was saying on the phone. It was definitely something about the shark video. I don’t know how long I’d been listening, but when Mum nudged me to stir the sauce, I jumped.