Girl (In Real Life) Read online

  I spotted Hallie waiting for me on the corner. Spud’s friends were outside the shop on the other side of the road. Me and Spud have this unwritten rule that we don’t hang around together at school. I don’t know when it started exactly. We’ve never really talked about it. But as soon as we get to the top of the hill, we separate.

  “Listen,” I said, “don’t let any of your friends talk you into getting a Roundhead haircut, okay?”

  “Sure,” he said, fanning his bushy hair in the cold breeze. “See you later.”

  Spud crossed the road to join his group of friends, collectively known in our year as Nerdophobia. They are actually pretty nice, but they say quotes from Star Wars way too much. Spud says the name “Nerdophobia” is incorrect, since it technically means a person who fears nerds. I told him saying stuff like that is the reason they’re called Nerdophobia in the first place.

  “Maybe I’ll try out the Roundhead haircut on Fizzy!” Spud shouted from the other side of the road. “It would suit her aggressive personality!”

  “Like you’d dare, Spud,” I shouted back. “And that’s Miss Fizzy to you.” I tried to look serious, but I couldn’t help laughing. Because it’s true – she hisses at Spud any time he goes near her. Spud’s laugh drifted over the traffic and made me laugh again. Then I saw Gabi crossing the road the opposite way. I tried to keep the smile on my face.

  “Freshly made cookies!” Hallie said, opening the tin she was holding.

  “Oh my God, Hals,” I said. “They look amazing, thank you.”

  “What did Spud just say?” Gabi said. “I can’t believe you still walk to school with him. He’s so weird.”

  I opened my mouth to say something, but Hallie looked at me. I’d promised her before Christmas that I’d try harder to get along with Gabi. Some days it was more difficult than others.

  “Hey, did you bake?” Gabi said, practically shoulder-barging me out of the conversation.

  “Yep! They’re to celebrate Eva’s…er…” Hallie smiled awkwardly at me. “Sorry, I told Gabi last night.”

  “That’s okay,” I said, but inside I felt a stab of anger. I’d asked her not to tell anyone, and she’d told Gabi “Dead Eyes” Galloney. And they’d been messaging without including me.

  “Oh yeah, your period,” Gabi said. “I got mine in, like, Year Six.” She stuck her nose in the air, like she was the Queen of Periods or something. “They’re so annoying when you do gymnastics.”

  “Right,” I said, avoiding eye contact with Hallie. “Well, maybe I can get out of PE this afternoon.”

  “I doubt it,” said Gabi. “Mrs Marshall didn’t let Lucie Simms sit out of that netball match when she’d dislocated her shoulder.”

  “I think she just had cramp,” I said.

  “Whatever,” Gabi said. “She cried for the whole second half. You wouldn’t really get it because you’re not sporty like us.”

  I bit my lip to keep from saying anything back. It was physically impossible to not find Gabi annoying. She gave me a sarcastic smile and linked arms with Hallie, so I had to walk on the kerb. Me and Hallie were still officially best friends. But whenever Gabi was around, it felt as though I’d been demoted. Like whatever glue had been holding me and Hallie together had dried up.

  In form, Miss Wilson reminded us it was our turn to host the Year Eight assembly next month. “And some of you still need to bring something in for the Cool Wall!” she said, smiling directly at me.

  The “Cool Wall” was this noticeboard thing she’d started at the beginning of term. We were supposed to bring in pictures of our achievements and stick them underneath our names. Hallie already had teacher commendations, pictures of her gymnastic medals, the Student Councillor badge. Under Gabi’s there was a picture of her and Hallie at gymnastics, and some of the commendations that actually she got ages ago in Year Seven, but maybe Miss Wilson hadn’t noticed. Rami had a Principal’s Award for science. Anjuli had a picture of her hockey team sitting behind a trophy. Everyone had something good up there. Apart from me. And Spud, who had a Photoshopped picture of his guinea pig holding a lightsaber. Every time I’d tried to find a piece of work to put up, nothing looked good enough. Hallie had suggested one of my doodles, but they felt kind of personal for the Cool Wall. I kept hoping Miss Wilson would give me an art commendation. But she never gave them out because she said art wasn’t meant to be competitive. Which was typical. Unless a miracle happened and I suddenly became better at something else, my Cool Wall spot would probably be blank for ever.

  “I’m expecting something from you this week, Eva,” Miss Wilson said as she staple-gunned the corners of Nadira’s gold reading certificate. “You’re the only one now who hasn’t put anything up. I’m sure you’ve got lots of cool things you can share with us!”

  “She shares everything on her YouTube channel, miss,” said Gabi, smirking at me. “Just print out some screenshots, Eva.”

  “It’s my parents’ channel, not mine,” I said and Hallie gave me a look, like I was in the wrong.

  “Okay, so our assembly!” Miss Wilson said, clapping her hands. She had rings on every finger, even her thumbs, and her feathery earrings almost reached her shoulders. “I hope you all came up with some ideas for it over the weekend, like I asked.”

  Gabi’s hand shot up. “Hallie could do her gymnastics routine, miss. She got through to the county finals!”

  I looked at Hallie as if to say, How come you didn’t tell me? But she gave me a look back that said, How come you didn’t ask? then fiddled with the Black Girl Magic badge on her pencil case to avoid my eyes. I thought back to doing the Pretty and Proud shoot at Clevedon Hall while my seat at her gymnastics competition stayed empty. I swallowed, and my insides felt kind of cold.

  “That’s a lovely idea, Gabi, and I’d love to see your routine, Hallie,” Miss Wilson said, “but the idea is that we involve everyone.”

  Spud put his hand up. “We could do some ju-jitsu.”

  “Thank you, Euan,” Miss Wilson said. “But I don’t think that would quite fit with the school’s anti-violence policy.”

  “Ju-jitsu is a non-violent martial art!” he said.

  But Miss Wilson ignored him and tapped on her keyboard. “I wonder if there’s some kind of special day next month…National Toast Day? Oh dear!”

  Spud sprang up from his seat. “I could bring in my guinea pig, miss! His name’s Toast!”

  Miss Wilson laughed. “I would love that, Euan, but I’m not sure Mr Andrews allows pets in the assembly hall.”

  Gabi said quietly, “It cannot be safe for Spud to keep a pet.” And Hallie gently elbowed her.

  “What about a live painting again, miss?” Dinah said. “Like last year! That was so fun.”

  Miss Wilson smiled. “That was amazing! But Mr Andrews wasn’t very pleased about all the paint on the hall floor.” She tapped her computer. “Oh, now this sounds interesting. The International Day of Unplugging. A day that invites people to unplug from technology from sunrise to sundown. It’s a few weeks after we have to do our assembly, but I don’t see why we couldn’t do our own day of unplugging. In fact, this is perfect. A whole twenty-four hours without screens!”

  Alfie put his hand up. “How are we supposed to talk to anyone?”

  “You could try opening your mouth,” Miss Wilson said, laughing. “When I was at school, we didn’t rely on screens to communicate. Our FaceTime was talking to people face-to-face.” She folded her arms. “You know, the more I think about it, the more I am convinced this ‘unplugging’ will do you the world of good. We’ll all take part and write up our experiences for the assembly. Are we all agreed?”

  Not a single person put their hand up.

  “Good,” Miss Wilson said. “All the more reason to do it. Get your homework diaries out everyone and write in the date to unplug please. I think the last day in January would be good as it’s a Sunday.” She wrote the 8W Day of Unplugging date on the board in her swirly handwriting. Suddenly she turned to l
ook at me. “Oh, Eva! I didn’t think about you. Will unplugging be a problem?”

  “It’s fine,” I said quickly.

  “Are you sure, Eva?” Gabi said, a look of fake concern plastered on her face. “You don’t want to lose any subscribers.”

  I didn’t say anything, but Hallie saw me pull a face behind her back.

  At lunchtime, I sat in the canteen with Hallie, Gabi and some of the other girls from our class. I wasn’t exactly in the mood for celebrating, considering I was pretty certain I’d just failed the physics test. I’d only been able to answer about four questions, and one of those was my name. But I smiled as Hallie passed around the cookies and tried not to mind that Gabi had taken the seat next to her.

  “So, what did your mum say?” Jenna asked, squashing up next to me. “I bet you’ll get sent loads of free period stuff now!”

  “I hope not,” I said, biting my cookie. “She agreed not to post about it so…”

  “Oh my God,” Gabi said, spraying cookie crumbs everywhere. “Can you imagine? I would literally die if my mum even wrote the word period on Facebook.”

  For once I agreed with Gabi. I honestly didn’t think my mum would do it. I mean, she promised. It seems so dumb now that I actually believed her.

  It was after lunch when it happened. Or should I say, when Alfie Stevens happened. I was used to him playing stuff from the channel. He’d find old videos of me doing stupid dance routines, or saying something embarrassing. When Mum made a video about spot creams, Alfie called me “All About Acne” for a month. But it’s not like he needed the channel for his material. He’d been making jokes about my non-existent boobs ever since we did sex education. During the end-of-year quiz in geography, Mr Khatri had asked, “Where is the flattest place on earth?” and Alfie had shouted out, “Eva’s chest!” Followed by a laugh that sounded like a machine gun. Alfie spent the whole of lunchtime in detention. I spent the rest of term wanting to chuck Spud’s oversized eraser at his head.

  But that was different. Because I knew Alfie would say stuff about it. I was expecting it. Maybe there’s something less bad about being humiliated when you know for sure it’s going to happen.

  After lunch, we walked into German. Mr Scott wasn’t there yet and Alfie was sitting on a table with his feet resting on a chair. His friends were gathered round watching something on his phone. They nudged Alfie when I walked in and his face lit up like a flamethrower. He tapped his phone and whatever they were watching started replaying. I recognized Mum’s voice right away. Squealing words that made my heart stop: “MY LITTLE GIRL IS A WOMAN!”

  Everyone in the classroom was staring at me. And I had this weird feeling, like maybe it wasn’t real. Maybe I was trapped inside a bad dream. But Mum’s voice carried on, and my heart beat so hard everyone in the classroom must have been able to hear it.

  “My little baby passed a very important milestone this weekend. Yep, our tiny Eva isn’t our baby girl any more! She started her period! ”

  Alfie held up his phone so everyone could see. “Eva, did you have a period party?” He said “period” like it was something disgusting, then showed his phone to Buddy, Kahlil and Lucas. “How fit is her mum though?”

  My face burned a fiery red and tears stung the backs of my eyes. I wanted to grab Alfie’s phone and chuck it out of the window. Ideally while he was still holding onto it. But my feet were glued to the spot. Anyway, our German classroom’s only on the ground floor.

  “Alfie, grow up,” Hallie said, striding over and trying to grab his phone.

  Alfie stood up on his chair and the video carried on playing. I caught the words, products and period kits and the title of that book Mum had given me. If Farmor was right, and the channel was just a tiny stitch in the tapestry of my life, then why did it feel like my heart was unravelling? With every word Mum said, and every sniff and every sigh, she was trampling a tiny piece of me into the carpet. I blinked away tears that felt like vinegar.

  “Alfie!” Hallie shouted. “Turn it off!”

  I still couldn’t move. So I stood there, staring at a poster about German grammar, listening to Mum’s voice announcing my period to the world.

  “We had a quiet little celebration, just us two. No offence to Lars, but Eva said no dads allowed! Let me know what you think about that in the comments. Should dads be more involved? I already had a special gift box prepared, because of course you never know when it will happen! It was reassuring for Eva knowing that I had all this stuff ready. We can make this such an empowering moment for our daughters! We can show them we’re not embarrassed. We’re not icky about it. We’re period warriors! As usual I’ll drop links to where you can get all the products in the description. I mean, just look at these super cute period pants with unicorns on! Aren’t they just so great? They’re made by a company called Don’t Cramp My Style. They look awesome, they’re comfy and, most importantly, they prevent leaks.”

  “Ewwww!” Alfie said, screwing up his face. His friends laughed as Hallie tried to grab his phone again.

  “Period warriors!?” Lucas said, and everyone laughed. I tried to hold in my tears as Jenna linked my arm.

  And that was the moment. Feeling like my shoes were glued to the brown carpet of my German classroom, waves of humiliation and anger surging through my body, and my entire class gawping at my new leak-proof underwear. I wiped a tear from the edge of my eye and realized my hands were shaking. I had so many things I wanted to say, but I knew if I opened my mouth the only thing to come out would be a scream. I hated my mum.

  Hallie told Alfie to turn the video off again, then I heard Mr Scott’s voice asking what on earth was going on. Alfie climbed down from the chair and everyone else quickly found their seats.

  Jenna squeezed my arm and said, “Alfie’s an idiot. Your mum is so amazing!” then she went to sit down.

  “You okay?” Hallie asked as we headed to our table and sat down. “Alfie is so immature.”

  My German book was full of little doodles, but I didn’t do any new ones that lesson. I listened to Mr Scott speaking to us in German, as usual with no idea what he meant. My heart thumped in my ears and I blinked away tears that kept on coming back.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Hallie whispered to me as she flicked through the textbook to the right page. “No one thinks it’s a big deal apart from Alfie. And he’s such an idiot. Everyone will have forgotten about it by tomorrow.” I looked at her. “Okay, well, maybe by the end of the week.” She smiled. “It’s just a period, Eva. Every girl gets them.”

  “Yeah,” I whispered back, “but not everyone’s mum puts it on YouTube.”

  Mr Scott glanced at us and Hallie quickly started copying down German phrases from the board. “But,” Hallie said as soon as he turned his back, “my mum went live on Instagram telling me off for not coming straight home after gymnastics that time, remember?”

  “That was by accident.”

  “It was still really embarrassing!” Hallie nudged me to start writing. “Loads of people saw it.”

  “It’s not the same,” I said. “About ten people saw that video. Hundreds of thousands of people will see my mum’s.” I peered into the little mirror on the inside of my pencil case. The skin around my eyes had turned red, which made my eyebrows look even more invisible than usual. A blotchy rash was creeping up my neck.

  “Eva, things aren’t worse just because they happen to you,” Hallie said quietly. “I feel embarrassed about things too.”

  “I know, I didn’t mean—” I started, but Gabi leaned over and said, “Remember, it is ‘all about Eva’.”

  Her words felt sour. They smiled at each other, and I could tell from Hallie’s face it wasn’t the first time Gabi had said that about me.

  Before I could say anything, Mr Scott called, “Eva!” and told me to read out the first phrase he’d written on the board. I looked at it. He may as well have asked me to read Ancient Greek. Hallie put up her hand and said it perfectly.

  “Danke,
Hallie,” Mr Scott said. “It’s nice to know someone’s been paying attention.” He gave me a look then picked on someone else.

  “Thanks,” I muttered then leaned my elbow on the desk and started colouring in the corners of my page. I looked over at Alfie. He had probably shared Mum’s video with everyone at lunchtime. It was probably going around school already. I waited until Mr Scott was facing the board, then slipped my phone out of my pocket. Eva’s Started her Period!!! was in the All About Eva “Story Specials”. In the thumbnail Mum was holding the red balloons from the party. 14,493 views. 3.5k thumbs up. 36 thumbs down. 102 comments. I felt sick.

  Hallie kicked me under the table.

  “Eva, are you with us?” Mr Scott asked.

  I dropped my phone on my lap and looked at him.

  “Was hast du am Wochenende gemacht? What did you do at the weekend?”

  Everyone laughed. I wondered if Mr Scott was making some kind of sick joke.

  Alfie turned around. He had a stupid grin plastered on his face. “Come on, Eva!” he said. “What happened at the weekend?”

  Mr Scott put his hands on his hips. “Well?”

  “Erm,” I started, but the sound of giggling put me off.

  I heard Spud say, “I’ll answer it, sir.”

  “Thank you, Euan,” Mr Scott said firmly. “But I’ve asked Eva.”

  “Möge die Macht mit dir sein.” No one had any idea what Spud had said, not even Hallie. I would normally mouth “Thanks” across the classroom, but I was too embarrassed about Spud finding out I’d started my period to even look at him.

  “Euan, we’ve spoken about the Star Wars references outside of Games Club, right?” Mr Scott said, then he turned back to me. My cheeks went burning hot again. “Eva, was hast du am Wochenende gemacht?”

  “I went for a milkshake,” I said quickly.

  Mr Scott sighed. “Auf Deutsch! In German!”

  “Oh, yeah.” I groaned. How on earth was I supposed to know the German for “milkshake”? I desperately tried to think of phrases I knew, which didn’t exactly give me many options. I was pretty sure “getrunken” meant to drink. And did “Kuh” mean milk? I sighed. It was close enough. “Ich habe eine Kuh getrunken.”