Girl (In Real Life) Read online

  “It’s unfortunate that this has come at a time when you’re upset about Jen’s vlog,” Dad said. “We’ve talked about it and both agreed not to cross this kind of boundary again. It’s your body, you get to have a say. But we hope you can see, this isn’t about just this one vlog. This is about the whole channel. It wouldn’t make financial sense to turn down this publicity. Our lifestyle costs a lot of money, Eva. The holidays, the visits to Farmor, the cars, saving for the future…”

  I closed my eyes. I’d already heard it a million times. This speech was the reason I put on that stupid avocado costume. But it wasn’t going to work. Not this time.

  I stood up, scraping my chair against the floor. “If you talk about my period on TV, I will never speak to you again.”

  “Oh, Eva! Please don’t say that,” Mum said.

  “Eva,” Dad said. “You are sounding a little ridiculous.”

  “I don’t care,” I said. “I’m serious. If you speak about my period on that show, I will never speak to you again.”

  “Okay, well, that’s up to you,” Dad said. “But you know, the period vlog is the reason they want us on the show. Will you please sit down so we can talk about this?”

  “What’s the point? You’re not even listening to me.” I walked over to the stairs, deliberately knocking over a pile of washing on the bottom step.

  “Eva, please don’t be like this,” Dad called after me. “There are millions of kids who dream of the kind of life you have.”

  “Well, adopt one of them and leave me off your stupid channel!”

  I heard Mum start crying, but I was too angry to care. They were going to talk about my period in front of the entire country? My life was sinking into quicksand. And there was nothing I could grab hold of.

  “Eva, please try to understand, sweetheart,” Mum called. “We love you. We don’t want you to be upset with us!”

  “You’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you? No matter what I say.” But I already knew the answer.

  I ran upstairs, slammed my bedroom door and threw myself onto my bed. Then I let out a scream into my pillow. I turned over and hot tears slid down my face. They were never going to stop All About Eva. Everything I did would be captured by their cameras, and streamed for their subscribers. Now they were going on TV, the channel would grow faster than ever. They’d gain even more views, more subscribers. I was never going to escape. Not unless I did something drastic.

  Only, it wasn’t until a few days later I figured out what that could be.

  My first period lasted a total of three and a half days. But even when it was over there was no way I could forget about it. Because by Wednesday morning, Mum’s video had been viewed over a million times. And today, it was going to be played on TV. The most humiliating video they’d ever made about me was the one to go viral. I’d even have preferred it to be the one with the swimsuit wedgie.

  I slammed the front door behind me as I left for school, even though Mum and Dad had left for London ages ago. It was only half an hour to Paddington, but they had to be at the TV studio really early for some reason, so they’d taken the first train. I had thought about staying at home, but they’d said they’d be back by lunchtime. School would probably call them if I didn’t show up anyway. Their interview would be around 9.30 a.m., when I was supposed to be doing PE. They’d said I should watch it on the Good Morning website at break or lunch. Only there was no way I was going to miss watching it live.

  My phone beeped with a message from Mum. It was a selfie of her and Dad at the TV studio. There was a giant sign saying Good Morning behind them. They were both grinning into the camera, like they didn’t even care how much pain I was in.

  We love you , it said. I tapped the message so she’d know I’d read it, then locked my phone without replying.

  My nose was blocked up and my eyes stung in the wind. I don’t know exactly how many times I’d begged them not to go. It was a lot. But it didn’t make any difference. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for All About Eva! It could put us up there with The Carter-Youngs and TwoAgainstFour. It’s our chance to put The Brand out there! You’ve got to look at the bigger picture, Eva. How could we say no? You’ll understand one day.

  Only, I didn’t care about one day. I cared about today. When I had to share a classroom with Alfie Stevens.

  Spud was sitting on the low wall at the bottom of his garden, waiting for me. He usually came bounding into the house. Maybe he’d heard me slam the front door. I hoped not. “You okay?” he asked.

  “Can’t get any worse, right?” I smiled, which for some reason made me want to cry again.

  “Did you know,” Spud said, jumping up next to me, “the average woman will have her period for thirty-eight years! By then, you’ll probably feel better about this.”

  “I doubt it,” I said.

  “But someone like Alfie Stevens in thirty-eight years?” Spud carried on. “He’ll still be a grade-A idiot. Even if Alfie was immortal, he’d still be an idiot! He’d just carry on being an idiot for ever.” I don’t know what it is about Spud, but sometimes all the dumb stuff he says is exactly the kind of stuff you need to hear. Not very often. But sometimes. He told me pointless facts, like an octopus has its mouth in its armpit and wombats have cube-shaped poo, all the way up the hill until I laughed. I’m not sure if they were even true, but Spud made me feel slightly better about being human that day. It’s probably one of the nicest things he’s done. And once he built a catapult in his garden that could – if you stood in exactly the right spot – fire marshmallows right into your mouth.

  When I walked into form with Hallie and Gabi, Alfie and his friends immediately burst out laughing. I’d got used to the sound of people laughing at me over the past two days. In corridors, in the canteen, in lessons. Even when it was silent, I could still hear it inside my head. I was about to sit down when Hallie nudged me.

  “Look.”

  There was something stuck on the Cool Wall underneath my name. A sanitary pad with red felt-tip scribbled on it. My stomach flipped. As I walked over to the Cool Wall I heard Gabi laugh. I looked at her and she turned it into a cough.

  “Oh, very mature whoever did that!” Hallie said as I pulled down the sanitary pad. Little bits of pad got stuck underneath the staples. Whoever it was must have gone overboard with Miss Wilson’s staple gun.

  “I know it was you, Alfie.” I said it like I didn’t care. But if anyone looked closely, they’d have seen my hands were kind of trembling.

  “It wasn’t!” Alfie said, laughing. “Anyway, what you going to do, dust it for prints?”

  “Alfie,” Hallie said, “just because you are an idiot, doesn’t mean you have to act like one every day.”

  A slow “Oooooh!” erupted from Alfie and his friends.

  “Come on, Eva,” Hallie said. “Let’s get Miss Wilson.”

  “Really, Hals?” Gabi said, sitting down. “Can’t we just ignore them?”

  I didn’t exactly want to show Miss Wilson the sanitary pad, but I expected Hallie to march out of the classroom anyway. I mean, she was on the student council. But she sat down.

  Hallie’s eyes went from mine to Gabi’s then she said, “Yeah, probably best to ignore them.” She smiled at me, then gave Alfie and his friends evils.

  Just then, Miss Wilson walked in chirping, “Morning, everyone!” Her hair was tied up in a bandana the colour of a sunset.

  I crumpled the sanitary pad into my blazer pocket. A girl with short, dark hair and black-rimmed glasses hovered by the classroom door, chewing her bottom lip.

  “Come in, Carys!” Miss Wilson beckoned her inside. Her fingernails were bitten down really far. My mum would never let me do that. “Everyone, this is Carys Belfield. She’s just moved to Hope Park Academy and Mr Andrews has chosen to put her in our form because he knows we’re such a friendly bunch!” (I do not know where Mr Andrews got this information.) “Now, Carys, meet Hallie, our fantastic form captain.”

  Hallie
stood up and beamed.

  “Carys,” Miss Wilson said, “grab a seat on Hallie’s table and she’ll show you around the school properly at lunchtime.”

  “Oh,” Hallie said, “sorry, I can’t, miss. I’ve got gym practice. I have the finals coming up and Mrs Marshall said I could use the sports hall…”

  “Okay,” Miss Wilson said, smiling around the room, “who else would like to volunteer?”

  There was an awkward silence. I looked around the classroom. Was no one going to put their hand up? Carys chewed her nails, like she wanted the paint-stained floor to swallow her up. I knew that feeling pretty well.

  “I’ll do it,” I said, putting my arm in the air.

  Everyone burst out laughing. That’s when I realized the sanitary pad was attached to the bottom of my sleeve. I shoved it back in my pocket, feeling my cheeks blaze red. Carys’s eyes flicked sympathetically to me.

  “Great! Thank you, Eva,” Miss Wilson said. “Take a seat, Carys. I’m sure Eva will do a wonderful job of showing you around and everyone in 8W will make you feel very welcome.”

  “Thanks,” Carys whispered as I swapped seats with Gabi, so she was next to Hallie and Carys could sit next to me. “Nothing like a completely embarrassing experience to start a new school.”

  “Don’t worry,” I whispered. “I know everything there is to know about embarrassing experiences.”

  Later that morning, I was supposed to be in PE like everyone else in my class. But when your parents are about to go on TV, hitting shuttlecocks over a badminton net seems even more pointless than usual. So while everyone else got changed, I sat with my feet up in one of the toilet cubicles. I didn’t expect anyone to notice, it’s not like I’m good at sports or anything, and Mrs Marshall never takes a register when we play inside. Still, my heart was pounding as I heard everyone leave. I waited a full five minutes before I dared move. The cubicle door creaked as I opened it. The changing rooms were weirdly silent. I crept into the corner, moved a few coats and bags so I could sit down, then leaned against the wall and took out my phone. Mum had put the selfie she’d sent me on her Instagram stories.

  Sooooooo excited!!! Getting ready for @GoodMorning!!!

  Who’s watching??!! #GoodMorning #OMG

  #AllAboutEva #periodwarrior #excited

  I groaned, and heard it echo back at me around the room. My parents being on TV would make the channel ten times more popular. And my life at school would get ten times worse.

  Suddenly, I heard, “Eva? You okay?” I jumped, and wiped away the tear that had just slid down my face.

  “Carys?” She was still in her uniform. Was she skipping PE on her first day? I’d been here since the start of Year Seven and I’d never dared do it before. Even when they made us do cross-country in practically a blizzard.

  “I don’t have any kit yet,” Carys said. “Miss thingy told me to sit on the bench and watch. But I saw you weren’t there and thought I’d check if you’re okay.” She walked past the rows of bags and coats and sat on the bench opposite me. “Have you been crying?”

  I wiped my eyes again. “I’m okay.” Only as soon as I said that another tear escaped.

  “Hey, what’s the matter?” Carys moved to sit beside me. “If it’s that sanitary pad thing in form, honestly don’t worry about it. Once, at my old school, I chewed a fountain pen and it exploded in my mouth.” I let out a laugh. “It wouldn’t wash off properly, so literally the whole day I looked like an ink-sucking vampire.”

  “Is that why you moved here?”

  “Ha!” Carys smiled. “I wish! So, what’s up?”

  A message from Mum appeared on my phone:

  Please don’t be upset with us, Eva. It’s exciting!!! We love you sweetie

  I swiped it away and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Any minute now, my parents will be on Good Morning.”

  “Oh, wow!” Carys said. “That is definitely a reason to skip badminton.”

  “To talk about me starting my period.”

  Carys’s eyes widened and her glasses slipped down her nose. “What?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “They have a YouTube channel and my mum posted this video about it, and it’s gone viral. Now my mum and dad are getting interviewed on TV and talking about it in front of the entire world. I don’t normally skip PE. It’s just, I want to see it before anyone else at school does.”

  Carys pushed her glasses back up and scraped her fringe sideways. “Sorry, Eva. I don’t mean to be rude but I would be so mad if my parents were doing that! I mean, don’t you mind?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I said. “I kind of begged them not to go on TV actually, but…” I let my words slide away into silence.

  Carys licked her fingers and flattened down the bits of fringe that were sticking up. “That’s really bad, Eva,” she said. “Shall we just stay in here for ever?” Then she wrinkled her nose. “The only problem is the slight smell of armpits.”

  I smiled. I’d only known Carys for a couple of hours, but she seemed to just get it. She was the first person in forever to ask me if I minded this stuff. And the whole story of All About Eva came tumbling out. The non-stop filming, their “For-Eva” subscribers, the summer of “challenge videos”, that stupid avocado costume. The never-ending scroll of comments and replies, the fake smiles, the teasing from Alfie, the comments in corridors, the dread any time a notification came up on my phone. The feeling I was sinking into quicksand.

  “Woah,” Carys said quietly after I’d finished. “I can understand why you’re upset.”

  I blew my nose on some loo roll. “I think they’re on after this ad break.”

  “In that case,” Carys said, pulling an iPad out of her bag, “I think we need a bigger screen.”

  “Erm, Carys,” I said, “you’re not meant to bring those to school.”

  “Oh,” she said, smiling. “Do the teachers check your bags here?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  Carys swiped the screen; its reflection glowed in her glasses. “Exactly.” She fished around in her pockets then handed me an AirPod. “Now, do you know the code for the Wi-Fi or should I guess it?”

  And that was it. The moment me and Carys became friends. Sitting next to each other in an echoey changing room, sharing AirPods and half a packet of pineapple Chewits she’d found in her pocket. Together, we watched my parents smile and laugh and talk about being part of the “period warrior movement” on TV. Throughout the entire interview, Carys held one hand over her mouth in shock, and squeezed my hand with the other. And for the first time in ages, I felt like someone was on my side of the screen.

  I’d watched Mum and Dad’s interview on Good Morning so many times over lunch, that by the end of school, I could practically quote it word for word. Mum’s make-up was way heavier than usual, and they must have blow-dried Dad’s hair or something because it was about thirty centimetres higher than it normally was. Spud was at Games Club, so I sat on the wall at the end of my drive and tapped the play icon. I didn’t want to watch it again, but I couldn’t help it. Like I had to keep checking it definitely happened.

  “Welcome back!” Lisa the presenter says to the camera with a bleached-teeth smile. “Now, starting your period can be a tricky time in any girl’s life, but imagine sharing it with millions of people online. That’s exactly what our guests this morning have done. They are parent vloggers Jen and Lars Andersen and their video about their daughter Eva starting her period has gone viral. They are here to tell us all about it. Jen, Lars, welcome to Good Morning!”

  Mum and Dad smile at exactly the same time and say, “Good morning!” They probably rehearsed it on the train.

  Jeremy, the co-host, leans towards them and says, “Your channel is called All About Eva and you’ve shared everything about your daughter from toddler tantrums to birthday parties to spot outbreaks. So far your video about Eva’s first period has had over a million views and the hashtag ‘period warrior’ is trending. In case you haven’t seen it yet – here’
s a clip.”

  I sniffed, and felt cold air go up my nose, as they played the first bit of Mum’s video. Thankfully, it stops before Mum holds up my unicorn pants.

  “So,” Lisa says, “you’re established family vloggers and you’ve shared many things about Eva over the years.” Mum and Dad smile and nod together, like synchronized swimmers. Lisa glances down at a card she’s holding. “Eva’s thirteen now. Quite a tricky age. What made you decide to share her first period with your subscribers?”

  Dad squeezes Mum’s hand. I only noticed it the third or fourth time I watched.

  Mum smiles and says, “Lars and I always think very carefully before we post anything about Eva.” I couldn’t help snorting at that. “And, you know, Eva’s a bit of a late starter, so I’d had this period gift box for a while! We had the most wonderful period party to celebrate this important milestone in Eva’s life…”

  “Yes,” says Lisa, looking at the camera, her caramel-coloured hair glistening in the studio lights. “I think we have some photographs of the period party.”

  Photos of our living room covered in period-themed decorations come up on the screen and you can hear Mum’s voice saying, “It was a really important moment in Eva’s life, and in mine as her mother, and I wanted her to feel supported, and that I…we, sorry, Lars!” The camera cuts to her smiling at Dad. “We wanted to give Eva the message that periods aren’t embarrassing, they’re nothing shameful, and share that message with our subscribers.”

  Just then, Dad stretches out his leg and accidentally kicks the coffee table. He laughs and says, “Jen and I wanted to make reaching this milestone a positive and empowering experience, and use our platform to help empower other parents.”

  “And was it a positive experience?” Jeremy asks. “I mean, for Eva? Because we have had some comments that are quite critical on our Facebook page this morning. No parent has the right to share this kind of thing online – that’s from Audrey in Milton Keynes, and John in West Lothian says, What a cruel thing to do to your daughter. What do you say to those people, who think some things about our children should remain private?”